


Scared Ship-less

by Laceydaizy



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Accidental Kissing, Beau mention, Blood, Boats and Ships, Body Dysphoria, Character Study, F/M, Fjord mention, Fluff and Angst, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Jester mention, Misunderstandings, More chapters most likely, Nott | Veth Brenatto-centric, OR IS IT??, Pining, Rating May Change, Regret, Sharing a Bed, Some Nott spoilers, Unrequited Love, non-gender related body dysphoria, nott character study
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-14
Updated: 2020-09-14
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:47:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,659
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26464393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laceydaizy/pseuds/Laceydaizy
Summary: A sad, almost longing look crept its way across Nott’s features. Nostalgia and something else distracting her mind from her current distress for just a moment. She reached out and gently raked her fingers through his hair.Caleb took a harsh intake of air as he was shocked out of sleep, stiffening under her touch. Seconds passed with a palpable tension. Guilt, shame and embarrassment darkened the color of Nott's face. This was exactly what she hoped to avoid.
Relationships: Nott | Veth Brenatto & Caleb Widogast, Nott | Veth Brenatto/Caleb Widogast
Comments: 12
Kudos: 49





	Scared Ship-less

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to Mintly for beta-ing this for me!! Don't know what I'd do without you <3

Nott’s stomach was clenched tight and her heart was beating like a hummingbird’s wings.

The sea was choppy tonight. The bunks the party was given below deck of the newly dubbed Mistake were more like hammocks, three stacked on top of each other, a few feet separating them in each column. It would have been comfortable if it were not for the terrible rocking back and forth of the ocean waves making the cots swing with them. The movement made Nott woozy and constantly on edge.

Nott had no idea what time it was other than a general “late” she didn’t have Caleb’s keen mind after all. She was afraid to sleep. Everytime she closed her eyes the roiling sea and splashing water made her mind flash with images of herself drowning. She opened her eyes with a gasp, not realizing she had been holding her breath. She was afraid to dream.

Normally when Nott had nightmares, Caleb would already be laying beside her, pulling her tighter into his warm chest and whispering soft affirmations of safety. Not tonight, though. Not since they’d been on board the ship. It was hard enough to fit one person into the small, barely held together pieces of fabric that were made to pass as beds. Exemplified by Beau who was on the top bunk of Nott’s row. Both of Beau’s arms and legs sprawled to the sides, keeping her precariously balanced, with the threat of crushing both Caleb and Nott beneath her at all times.

Nott ruminated on that thought for a moment. At least if Beau crushed her she’d probably go unconscious and be able to get some rest. She rolled her eyes and smiled, coming to the conclusion that would never happen. Beau would start to fall and do some sort of badass monk flip to land agilely away from any sleeping bodies. Psh, she could do that too.

It looked like it was going to be a sleepless night for Nott the Brave. She reached down, grabbing her flask, and took a big swig. She sighed, first with relief as the brown liquid burned down her throat and into her belly, and then with somber recognition, as it seemed not even booze would be enough to get her through the night this time.

Her eyes started wandering the dark room, which she could see perfectly thanks to her goblinoid darkvision. It didn’t look like there was much worth stealing down here. The crew that wasn’t part of the Nein seemed to not have a penny to their name. Her eyes finally came to a rest, landing on the bunk above her. She could see the outline of Caleb nestled in on himself and heard the soft sound of his breathing. She had half hoped he would be awake too.

Caleb deserved a good night's rest. The days had been long at sea, with more physical labor than any of them outside of Fjord had expected. The entire team was learning to help crew the ship, but it had been hardest on her Caleb. He wasn’t exactly the muscular type like Yasha or Jester. Nott had been absentmindedly fiddling with one of her many trinkets as she thought about how exhausted Caleb had looked after being taught how to unferal, tether, and then re-feral each of the Mistake’s sails. He had taken off his jacket in the heat, letting the rays hit his sun-deprived skin. He’d been sweating, and pieces of his hair had fallen loose in front of his face from the leather band usually tying them back. He looked disheveled and handsome as always.

She was shocked out of her reverie when a particularly large wave crashed into the boat. The Mistake learched to one side, sending Nott’s bauble flying across the floor before coming to a stop under Caduceus’s hammock as the ship righted itself.

_Shit. ___

____

____

Across the floor, Nott pinpointed the glass bead that had betrayed her. She glowered down at it in an attempt to will it back to her. A frustrated huff—no luck. Nott was not about to let one of her prized collectables roll away. She sat up in her hammock and dubiously attempted to reach a foot down to the floor. She was very stealthy, but no amount of dexterity was going to make it easy for her to get out of this bunk. Her short legs didn’t reach the ground, and shifting her weight to one side without her foot anchoring her to the floor made her dangerously unsteady as the ship continued its perpetual side to side movement.

With a deft leap, Nott landed on the unfinished wood floor. She bowed a little to an audience that wasn’t there in celebration of her perfect dismount before tip-toeing over to where her bead had disappeared below Caduceus. Nott crouched down on all fours and immediately located her precious. She had to crawl a little under the bunk before she was able to reach her bead, where it had gotten wedged in between two planks. She pulled it out easily and held it up, a wide smile growing across her face in triumph.

Of course, the sea chose that moment to pummel the ship with an even larger wave than the last, sending the Mistake carriening to the side once again. The nails on Nott’s free hand clawed into the soft wood. Her other hand clutched close to her chest, unwilling to part with her bead a second time. A high pitched yelp escaped Nott’s lips before she quickly released her grip on the floor to slap her hand over her mouth. Her eyes darted around the densely packed sleeping quarters. A few individuals shifted and various snorfles and groans of displeasure were murmured, before quickly fading into the familiar sounds of snores and light breathing.

Cold, clammy sweat drenched her face, neck and hands. Nott was too afraid to move, her body frozen in place under Caduceus' hammock.

Water.

_Can’t breath. Can’t breath. Can’t breath. ___

____

____

A desperate gulp of air.

Minutes that felt like hours passed as she tensely waited for the boat to regulate itself. Shakily, Nott inched backwards from her hiding place and gently slipped the bead into one of her many pockets.

Nott’s already large eyes were wide, pupils dilated, and her ears flattened against her head. She shuffled back toward her bunk, less careful of the creaking wood in her rattled state. She reached out to get in before her eyes darted up to Caleb, now only slightly above her as she stood. He had been too tired and deep in sleep to have woken up. It seemed that most everyone but Nott had gotten used to the sway of the ocean.

Caleb was curled up facing away from her. She could see the bumps of his spine pressed against his thin shirt. Nott bit her lip and wrung her sweat moistened hands, debating if it would be okay to ask if she could crawl in with him—she wouldn’t take up too much room. It’s not like they hadn’t slept in tighter quarters during their time on the road.

Memories flooded her mind of the nights they spent huddled together for warmth. She had felt every scar, every jutting rib. It seemed so long ago and just yesterday at the same time. Back then, when Caleb was sound asleep, she would study his face. The cut of his jaw, the ridge of his brow, his pale lashes against the bruise-colored skin under his eyes, the curve of his lips…. Nott wished she could look at Caleb’s face now, see the peaceful look he only let his guard down enough in sleep to show. She would hate to disturb it.

A sad, almost longing look crept its way across Nott’s features. Nostalgia and something else distracting her mind from her current distress for just a moment. She reached out and gently raked her fingers through his hair.

Caleb took a harsh intake of air as he was shocked out of sleep, stiffening under her touch. Seconds passed with a palpable tension. Guilt, shame and embarrassment darkened the color of Nott's face. This was exactly what she hoped to avoid. Luckily, Caleb didn't have darkvision. Caleb turned his head a bit,

“Nott?” His tone hushed and paranoid.

“Uh, yeah. It’s me. I–I’m sorry Caleb I didn’t mean to wake you! I was just going back to bed and—”

“Nott. Nott. It is alright. Is something the matter?” At this point Caleb had fully turned toward Nott, hearing the panic in her voice. He could faintly make out her silhouette; her ears were down and her body was slightly hunched in on itself. “ _Scheiße _, of course you aren’t, why am I asking you that. Would you like to…?”__

____

____

Nott furiously nodded her head in affirmation. It took an awkward moment of balancing and rearranging before Caleb was able to reach down and lift her up. He pulled Nott on top of him, the only place she fit in so small a space. Her hands were still unsteady, a slight tremor running through them and sweat was still slick on the back of her neck, but she felt the tension release from her shoulders with each stroke of Caleb’s hand on her back.

The two laid in silence for a moment. Nott’s guilt for rousing Caleb grew in her chest as the wave that made her quake with fear grew more distant.

“I’m sorry I woke you up, Caleb. I didn’t mean to. I thought about it, but I wasn’t actually going to do it. You need your rest more than I need to be coddled.” The last few words dripped with derision.

Caleb winced a little at her biting tone, like her criticism of herself was a splinter in his chest. He continued the soothing circular pattern he was tracing on her back, a pattern to a spell he was memorizing.

“Ah— _Nein _, do not worry about it. How many times have I woken you up at night, hm? Plus, I have missed my cuddle buddy while we have been out on this shithole of a ship.”__

____

____

Nott gave a tired smile and nuzzled her head into his chest. “Yeah, me too.”

After a few minutes had passed, Nott hesitantly peeked to get a glimpse of Caleb's serene sleeping face. She was in luck—his furrowed brow had smoothed out, and the frown lines framing his mouth relaxed as his jaw hung faintly open. He looked tanner than she had ever seen him, adding a smattering of freckles and a healthy glow to his features. As she stared, Nott lifted her head fully off his chest to appreciate his countenance in full. She reached out to brush a hair off his face, giving herself the freedom to caress his cheek for just a moment. She was overwhelmed with a sense of gratitude and adoration. Not just for tonight, but for every night since they met.

“Thank you.”

Caleb opened his eyes to look at where she had been laying on his chest and craned his neck forward, human eyes unable to see Nott’s face right in front of him.

“Hmm? Did you s—”

Caleb cut off when his lips unexpectedly collided with hers. Nott’s mouth, slightly agape, caught on his as they slammed clumsily together.

Nott had never been so glad Caleb couldn’t see in the dark.

Their lips only touched for a second and it was mostly teeth grinding against teeth, but the repercussions were instantaneous. They both hastily moved their heads away. Nott’s mouth was flooded with a familiar salty, iron taste. Immediately recognizable as blood. It wasn't her own blood on her lips.

”Oh fuck, oh shit! Caleb, I–I think I cut your lip! You're bleeding! I can go grab some water and maybe Jester should look at it to make sure you don't get infected from my gross teeth?” Nott started to get down off the bed, but Caleb’s tightening grip around her thigh quickly stayed her.

”I'm okay Nott, really. It is just a small scratch. If anything it was my fault. I should not have moved so quickly in such tight sleeping quarters.” His voice sounded strained.

Caleb may not have been able to see, but Nott could.

From where Nott was now sitting straddling Caleb’s torso, she could clearly see the red that had spread from his neck over his face. Caleb’s focus was straight up toward the ceiling, seemingly to avoid looking in her direction, as he fruitlessly endeavoured to reassure her he was not hurt.

“Al–alright.” Nott barely breathed out the words.

She laid back down, more conscious of all her movements and body placement than before. Nott was hyper-aware of all her sharp, pointy bits that she hated so much. Never more than in instances like this. When she hurt the person she cared about most. 

One of Caleb's hands had gripped her upper arm and the other her thigh in his bid to stop her from leaving the bunk. His arms slowly and cautiously moved back to wrap around Nott’s back. He felt more rigid than before, no longer sliding his hands up and down her spine.

_He’s disgusted by me. He doesn’t want to touch me anymore. I can’t blame him for that. I hurt him. I wouldn’t want to touch me either. He’s just too nice to ask me to leave. All this body can do is hurt people. Maybe if I was softer and not so sharp and my skin wasn't so rough, like Jester or–or like how I used to be…. ___

____

____

Nott bit her already sore lip with her jagged teeth, drawing her own blood this time. She reached to where her flask usually hung from her belt, hoping to wash the taste of blood from her mouth and numb the sting of her lips and heart with the bitter elixir. Her hands fumbled at her side and she cursed inwardly as she realized it was sitting on top of her pack on the ground. It looked like she would not be able to drown out this night from her memory. Nott squeezed her eyes shut blinking out tears and hoping desperately Caleb didn’t mention what had happened in the morning—or ever, for that matter.

Nott’s emotions were spent. She just wanted this horrible night to end. She turned as gently as she could to get comfortable without disturbing Caleb a third time. She finished adjusting herself and laid her head back down on Caleb’s chest, when something, or more precisely, some _one _caught her attention.__

____

____

Nott froze.

Fuschia eyes bored into her as Caduceus stared. Nott’s heart jumped into her throat and then plummeted like a rock to her stomach. Wait. Caduceus didn’t have dark vision, all the noise probably woke him up—with his being so perceptive and all. She was safe. He gave her a little half smile before turning over in his cot. The small action sent blood roaring back into Nott’s cheeks. He couldn't see in the dark, could he?

Nott really wished she had her flask now.

She tried to shut it all out. Nott shook her head as if it would dislodge the night's events from her brain. The fright of the ship's harsh rocking mixed with the anxiety and guilt of what just happened with Caleb left Nott emotionally and mentally exhausted. Her eyes stung with the specific feeling of having been awake far later than sheshould and the cut from biting her lip was starting to scab over, but the knot in her stomach persisted. Oh well, she would have to deal with that in the morning. Nott’s strung out nerves coupled with the warmth of Caleb’s body surrounding her with his familiar scent—she liked it no matter what the others said—finally, finally lulled her to sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> Ahh! I've been excited to post this one for awhile!! I hope to make it into a chaptered fic. Idk how many though, I don't usually plan that far in advance and I like to let the narrative unfold naturally!
> 
> I hope you guys like it!! These two don't get enough lime light lol they are so so cute together and equally as tragic.
> 
> As I mentioned in the tags, the rating may go up on this bad boy so pls keep that in mind if you bookmark it!!
> 
> Thank you so much for reading, it means the absolute world to me!!!!! <333


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